Some things I've learned the last few years

I am going to write this out—I don’t know exactly why. I kept thinking why would I write this when nobody probably cares anyway and it’s kind of personal, but I kept thinking about it and the feeling wouldn’t go away. I think maybe I need to do it for me. So here it goes. This is a few of the things I learned from being pretty sick for a number of years and not being able to go many places or do very much. I had problems with my intestines (won’t name them!) every day for a year. I felt so nauseus that I felt that I had the flu even after my baby was out! (this went on for over two years…not a good feeling). Sometimes my stomach and intestines would rock in pain and I couldn’t get out of bed. And all of the time I felt strange inside, out of balance and would often shake if I did too much. Sometimes I was so weak I could barely pull myself to the bathroom. And I had a two year old boy and a newborn!

I don’t say these things to complain, only to explain a little about how that time was. I also had some very tough moments of throwing up for a day and lying in bed barely believing I was alive for another day or two before I could eat or drink again. I can’t believe I actually survived some of those times. Believe me it wasn’t the most fun thing I’ve done. But the physical discomfort and stress was only part of my pain. I never understood the emotional and spiritual pain that comes from such a trial and the deep feeling of loneliness. But I learned some rocking concepts. (I like the work rock right now…I don’t even know why. Okay, back to the list). So I ask for your forgiveness as I share a few of the most important ones even though there are more.

1. What's really important and shedding the unimportant. Through some of my trials I was forced to completely reprioritize what was really the most important that day. Sometimes all I could do that day was to focus on food, changing diapers and just surviving. I honestly remember lying in bed, crying when Matthew had to go to work not knowing how I would possibly be able to take care of the kids. Often he stayed home. Other times we called about five people or so who couldn’t help, so we gave up calling and we’d pray. Matthew would then leave for work and I’d roll out of bed to change their diapers and roll back into bed to wait until they were hungry. Then I’d roll out of bed (or the couch) to throw food at them. I learned that all those things that I thought were so important weren't. All of the housework, scrapbooking, cooking, spending time with friends, and anything else had to be left undone. This lesson has stayed near to me and I think every single day about what's really important that day and if it even matters. (and yes it is good to clean the house and cook when you can!)

2. I learned to not care what others think, only God. This was truly a difficult thing to learn even though I thought it wouldn’t be! I felt strongly, even more so later, that God was concerned with my individual progression and didn’t care AT ALL about how others saw me, judged me, or my position in life.

3. I learned about faith and trust in the Lord. Sometimes during hard times I couldn't always see how I was going to live through that very day. It was downright just miserable at times and my worries about how I was going to take care of my kids, get up and take care of myself, or do anything in the house (cooking, cleaning, etc.) was a constant stress. Sometimes I was to the extent where I didn’t even feel well enough to call people on the phone. Every thing I did took more energy than I thought I could muster. It wasn’t a simple thing just to call someone, to get food, or even go to the bathroom. I just did not have enough energy to even figure out how to make things better than they were for myself or my kids. I did not have the capacity at the time even though I wanted it more than anything. I just was concerned about suriving that day. Most days were very difficult, but I learned that I was taken care of, even if it wasn't easy or my burden didn't always feel light.

4. I learned to have more compassion and empathy for others. For this I am so grateful. I think I was a little bit of a judging person by nature in some respects, but my trials turned how I thought about others upside down! I guess I had to go through some things to understand how hard things can be. I will be careful not to judge quickly (or at all!) and to look deeper than just on the surface. We don't understand all the things that are going on with somebody, only the Lord does. But I better understand the Lord's admonition to help those who are in need and to not pass by them, even when we think it's their own fault. I am so so grateful for this lesson. It truly changed my life.

5. I realized how much I took for granted and how much I need the Lord’s help with everything I do. I have learned (hopefully always) to be more grateful when times are good. I didn't realize how blessed I was just to be able to go to the store when I wanted!! Or be able to get up and actually have the capacity to clean the house! Or to go walk to a house to visit a friend (or even call a friend to chat…I often didn’t feel good enough to even talk!) What a blessing it is to have freedom to do those things that I so often took for granted or didn't even realize were blessings.

6. I realized how important it is to uplift and serve others and be their friend. It is not fun to go through trials without friends or companionship. But there were a few people who blessed my life abundantly with their help, understanding, nonjudmental attitude, and just their love for me!!! They loved me even though I was sick and couldn’t give much back to them! I am crying even now as I think of these people who I honor and admire and love with all my heart. These people can cut in front of me in the line to heaven.

7. I've learned about the widow's mite. Actually Matthew taught me this one while we lived in Utah. One night I was having a particularly difficult time not feeling very important or that I served enough because of some of my limitations. I wasn't able to hold a calling in church because of health and felt like a bum. I told Matthew how I felt one night in bed. He looked at me. "You really feel that way?" he said. I nodded. Then he gently spoke to me and told me the story of the widow's mite. But he told me it in a way that I learned it differently. He told me the widow gave only like a penny in the offering at the temple and these rich men gave abundantly. But then Jesus told his disciples and showed them what the widow gave. He said she had given the least amount, but had given all she had, and it was treasured more in heaven than all the amount that the rich man had given. (I'm paraphrasing here) Matthew taught me my service was like that. It was like a light switch came on in my soul. Some of my efforts were pathetic. Going to church was just tough, even for ten minutes at times. But I was trying my very, very best. So the point of this long thing is that I learned that our best is acceptable to God. It is just as acceptable as someone else's best, even if it doesn't measure up in earthly terms. An important lesson that I learned.

8. I better appreciate the Atonement. I have strengthened my testimony of its power to heal. I realized again how the atonement can heal not just sin, but suffering and sorrow and pain. There were times when I didn't know if I could heal from all that had happened, but I learned I could and eventually did if I trusted in the Lord! I think sometimes, healing takes a long time and we need to be considerate of everyone who is in the process of healing. There is pain so deep that only the Atonement can touch. I learned and felt how much the Savior suffered for those around him who ignored him, even purposefully went about to hurt him. And yet, he still turned to them in complete love and forgiveness if they would accept Him and repent. I stand in complete awe of that. I bear my testimony that He is my Savior and suffered for me and felt my burdens. And I know he can heal anything, even things we think are impossible.

I know that everybody has different and difficult trials, some trials that others have I cannot understand because I have not gone through them. But I know that they are hard, just like mine have been for me. I have a testimony that no matter what we experiece we can trust in the Lord to help us through. This was long, but I have felt for a while now that I needed to write this for some reason. I hope everybody has a terrific day and I love you all.