Gossip--did she really do that?! What a bad mom, friend, sister, leader, neighbor, etc. I would NEVER do that!

June 19, 2011

To start off, I am NOT preaching. I am not directing this toward anyone else. But for some reason this topic has been on my mind for a few months. So I am just writing it out…be prepared.

It all started when I was 12.

I lived in New Mexico, by Albuquerque. I had a friend, Shannon, who one day came into the game room with me and my other friend and told us that she had set a goal to not gossip about anyone for a few weeks. I was surprised. I think, honestly, that we might have started the gossip and then she brought this up....
I was so impressed that I decided I would make that goal too. And I followed it. It took some practice. But I kept that goal and have kept it until now. I am not a perfect person, in any way, but for the most part, in reality, I haven't gossiped about friends at all in these 15 years (I’m sure I might have slipped here or there, but for the most part I really haven’t). I have tried also, to never gossip about family either. But, it has been a real eye-opener to me because it's given me freedom; freedom to never worry what someone could hear about what I might have said about them. I never have to worry because I never say anything!
I really understand in this principle how keeping the rule of not gossiping gives you freedom. I seek out friends who don't gossip about others because I trust that they won't gossip about me if they aren't gossiping about others! Also, it's uplifting to be around them.
Second, I have, of course, found out that people have gossiped about me at times. It hurts really bad. (Most normal people are like this...most people don't say, "I love it when people gossip about me!") I think we should be careful about assumptions and spreading them about people. I think we should assume the best. I think we should forgive people, because frankly, we've all probably been stupid at times and said things that were careless that we didn't mean. But gossip can really destroy things. Matthew said it best when we lived in Idaho. I was asking him one day what I should think about something I had heard about someone. I really was just wondering. (What's funny is I have NO idea who now or what it was). He answered simply, "Becky, do you have to make a judgment at all?"

Best advice ever.

I wouldn't want people spreading things about me that aren't true, or that are hurtful or judgmental. So I don't say things about others. One EFY speaker said it really well when I was 16 or so. She said she had three guidelines about whether she should say something to her husband or anyone when it involved someone else.

1. Is it true? (if the answer was yes, she could ask question 2 to herself. If not, she had to stop her.)
2. Is it nice? (if it wasn't nice, then she had to stop.)
3. Is it necessary? (if it wasn't necessary to bring up at all, then don't say it).

I have thought about those three things a lot when I talk of others.

One time I was hearing a few people mention a few kind of unkind things about someone I knew. They weren't trying to be mean, but they were being judgmental and a little careless in the things they said. I was thinking of all this and had a thought about the Savior. At that moment, I knew that the Savior was sad for this person and all their trials. And I felt it, that he really was sad for them because He loved them. I didn't feel that his concern also came with judgment. I only felt concern. I have no idea why I felt this, but I just had a thought about how he felt about the situation.
Judging others is close to gossiping in my opinion. We often judge others in the lens of WHAT WE WOULD DO OR WHAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE (why is this in caps? Just cause…). And it is always illogical to judge someone out of our own "lens" and "experiences" because we have never had "their experiences" to understand why they are behaving or acting the way they are. Of course, we can make judgments of right and wrong and how we should act, but we are never capable of fully judging someone else (of course certain bishops or people might have the spirit, that's not what I'm talking about) because we can't understand them or see how they think, how they were raised, their limitations and trials, their struggles, hidden pains, or sins or others' sins, or a multitude of other things. Only the Savior can judge. That is logical. And right.
I am not quoting doctrine here, these things just make sense to me. I love Matthew's simple statement. "Why do you have to make a judgment at all?" Why do we feel compelled to gossip?