Not always a natural

I'm not always a natural at being a Mom. In fact, sometimes, it's just plain hard for me. It seems to go against my nature, against my wills, my traits, and even at times, my clean kitchen floor.

But I know it's what I'm supposed to do.

I know that I'm supposed to have these kids, raise them, love them, and teach them.

I don't always love the messy hands that rub on my pants, the teething child that clings to my leg but is not easily consoled, the kid that stole something of mine and is mad I found out, the little girl that is tired and needs a nap, and the tired mommy all combined.

Sometimes I just want a break.

I want a break of sanity.

I realize that God gave me these children, because He loves me, He trusts me, and He can see the whole picture. I can not always see the whole picture. And that is where I strive.

Last week at church I sat there thinking how easy it would be to just soak in everything if my life was different, if I didn't have complete exhaustion, complete draining on every resource I have. If I had an easier way. If I was healthy, with older children, a permanent place where I could put down some roots, so to say, and then I could learn all about that love and patience they talk about in church.

Then the gentle thought that I was learning MORE about love and patience and the gospel through my experiences than I would if my life was like that.

I felt grateful. I did. It was weird :) I prayed a prayer of gratitude that I could learn and have that chance.

But still sometimes I don't always thrive and love the craft projects that pile up with papers and messes and more cleaning. But sometimes I still enjoy it.

I played ball with John today. He LOVES to play ball. He will throw the ball back and forth and giggle. James sometimes wants a turn and we let him, but John has trouble being patient until it's his turn. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed playing with them.

I like teaching Mary letters and sounds because it makes her happy. She really enjoys learning. She gets excited about small things and sometimes those things really are contagious.

I don't really know where this post is going, but I just decided I don't care. I don't have to have a direct purpose today, I can just write and let it be. I can enjoy the parts that made me reflect and feel happy and there doesn't have to be a perfect way to start, fill, or end.

Because it's just a post. About life. About my kids. About me.

I am still discovering who that is. Sometimes I think I know, but I feel that God has greater plans than I have, greater plans every day, so I work on trusting.

I really have the cutest kids in the world. They make me laugh, and they make me feel like pulling on my hair. I remember when I was younger and thought what a good mom I would be and how everything would be. And then it happened. And things were not exactly as I planned. And now I laugh a little. At myself and what I thought.
I realize, however, that the good things really are worth it, it's just different than we expect at times.

I respect my Mom a lot. Being a Mom is not easy, but I keep trying to learn a little more every day.

That is why my theme this year and maybe for my life is

SMALL AND SIMPLE

That is where I think I will find my joy, my purpose, and my strength. I just have to work on it every day.

Good luck with your small and simple things today. Hopefully they bring you joy.