cardwell living

Like a Tree

A tree can have deep roots, twisting in the ground, rooting it deep down.  But it grows.  It branches out, reaching to the sun.  I can’t say that I thought of this symbolism all by myself.  But I believe it describes how I feel about myself, how I want to metaphor my life.

I want to be rooted in the gospel, but even more than the gospel, this post is about me.  About who I am.  Because I am that tree.  My roots tell who I am.  The branches symbolize how I can grow, while still staying rooted.

I read Shannon Hale’s book “Forest Born.”  The whole time, I must admit, I couldn’t help but think how similar I felt to the girl in the story, the same struggles, in similar ways.  The tree symbol came from that book.  I can still be me, but grow with new challenges and experiences.

I have sometimes struggled remembering who I am in the last few years.  Not on purpose.  Not wholly.  But I have five kids.  I have moved a number of times.  My life has at times been very different than what I was used to and what I thought it would be like.  I have had to adjust.  I have had to reevaluate what is really important and who I want to be.

Memories of the past creep into my mind, telling me, reminding me.  Amid the long days of crying and being alone except for small children, the calls of my childhood years seem to echo in my mind, reminding me of Becky Ann Butler, that girl with the blond hair that bounced and teased and felt deeply.  That girl had the world in her hands, cupping it, tasting it, experiencing, and enjoying.  Sure, life wasn’t all a piece of cake, but that girl knew who she was. 

I knew.  I was extremely funny (yes, no rolling of eyes), found humor almost everywhere, loved my family deeply, loved playing outside, creating, and just enjoying life.  I became someone I knew even better when I went through trials and strengthened my testimony and my relationship to God.

And then life changed at a pace I felt was exponential.  I got sick.  I was sick for many years.  I got married.  I moved away from home.  I married.  I had kids.  I learned what it is really like to be a mom.  I struggled with challenges I had not anticipated.

And I will admit that there were times and moments and even long stretches where I wondered if I was that same gal.  Before, it had been so easy to define who I was.  Before there weren’t kids who screamed at me and were mad.  I had family and friends who expressed what I meant to them often.  It blessed me.

I think the hardest part was how I felt about myself.  I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do with all that life was bringing.  I was trying to remember and figure out who I was.  Was I still the same person as I was before?  Was the lighthearted child, the humorous teenager, and the ever-trying-to-be devoted servant of God still me?  So many years of just surviving, trials and stress piled high (and blessings of course, too).  I hardly ever saw friends or hung out with them.  I couldn’t go as many places.  Sometimes I couldn’t even hold a calling.  And those things had defined me before, without me even realizing that they were.  So who was I now?

I can’t tell you exactly how it all happened, or when.  But slowly, the memories of my past became in my thoughts, childhood, teenage years, and even college years.  I felt as if the strength of those memories seeped into me, giving me strength to carry on.  But I still had the question, was that person who I liked and knew still me?

And that is why I started with the tree.  Because I am that tree.  I still have those memories, they are still me.  I can still gain strength in the things I learned, in who I was, and in my experiences.  They are a part of me.  They still give me strength. 

However, I am learning that a tree grows toward the sun, upward.  It doesn’t stay the same.  It branches out.  It grows taller.  It becomes a different tree.  My experiences now, even though sometimes they seem so foreign to me, allow me to become and experience new things.  Sometimes I feel reminded that I am not going to be the same as I was before because my experiences now are different.  To make this point clearer, if I felt I was a somewhat patient person before I had kids, that is the point.  I had never had kids!  I had never had kids when I was sick.  I had never had kids, been sick, kept moving, and experiencing all those trials/blessings/experiences before.  I am still learning.  I have new experiences now that teach me and allow me to grow.  I am not perfect.  And so I remind myself that I never experienced these trials before and I need to learn and grow, just like in all areas of life. 

Ah.  A tree.  Rooted in my past.  Branching out and growing up toward the sun.  Ever changing, but gaining strength from its roots.

I don’t care if it sounds corny, it helps me in my ever-changing, ever-busy life.

I went through some of my old notes today.  I kept a book of them.  Notes people wrote me.  I want to share a few.  Please don’t think I am bragging or showing off from any of these.  When I read these, I realize how much they have blessed my life and still do.  If you have been someone who has ever written me notes in any form, the same is true.  But these notes brought back memories and gave me strength and/or happiness.  That is why I am sharing them.

Excerpts of notes from my sister Heather…(I hope Heather you don’t mind me sharing…)

“Becky, seriously, I don’t think anyone could be sweeter!  You are such a QT!  I’m so grateful to have you as a sister, you do so much for me, and I love you like no other...You truely are the light of my life, and the treasure of my heart!”

Who could not feel good when they get such a loving letter from a wonderful sister? 

Here’s some from my other sister Melissa…(also hope she doesn’t mind J)

“I am blessed to have you as my sister.  You are so beautiful, kind, FUNNY, um…interesting, understanding, righteous, and so willing to do good.  I love you so much, and I hope that you have a wonderful time being sixteen.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  You are a good kid.

Love,

Melissa.

P.S.  As I said before, eat more spinach.”

From my brother Matt…

“I hope you are having a great birthday!  I love being able to live so close to you this year.  I think you are awesome!  Love you”

I am not bragging from these, but I realize that my wonderful family helped ME, helped build me, and strengthen me, and become who I was.  Looking back, I realize how fortifying, strengthening, and encouraging all of these letters were.

I have kept letters from friends, which have also blessed me greatly.  Even recently, a friend left a message on the phone telling me they missed me.  Another friend wrote a message to me on facebook.  Some friends wrote on my blog.  Family members expressed in one way or another encouragement or support or love.

I love you.  I realize again as I write this, how you are blessing my life right now and helping me.

I don’t know if that whole section was just about growing like a tree, but it reminded me of my past and gave me strength.  I know that we can gain strength from our roots, whatever they are.  I know that even if we make mistakes or whatever, we can grow and change and become who we want to.  All of us are children of God.  That is true for any of us.  And that is always a place to start.

What a long post.  My brain hurts now, so I hope that I got what I was trying to across and that it wraps up together.  Have a great night tonight.