Mary and no blankie

October 26, 2011

Mary couldn't have her blanket, known as "blankie" to sleep with last night. It was too dirty to even sleep with.

She was heartbroken.

We gave her the only substitute blanket we had up here--a blanket my grandmother crocheted for me.

Mary was crying very loudly downstairs at 9 o'clock. She wouldn't stop. Matthew was exhausted. He'd gotten home after 7 p.m. and he's done that a few days in a row. He'd also helped give the twins baths and helped Mary and Nathan get ready for bed.

I had pretty much had it. I had watched all 4 kids all day and had listened to some fussy babies for a few hours. My nerves were...let's say...frayed, very so. And they felt done.

But Mary WASN'T done.

Telling her to stop crying didn't work.

Matthew going downstairs didn't work.

Matthew was tired and went to bed.

I was feeling pretty worked up. I was tired, exhausted from dealing with other crying kids and it was 9. I had no desire, not even a little desire to go be nice to her and try to comfort. I just wanted it to stop so I could relax!

I said like three prayers on the way down the stairs. I was trying to control myself, my emotions, and I went and saw Mary.

Mary missed her blanket. She was uncomfortable with her new blanket. But there was no other option for her. I tried to explain this to a 4-year old. She just kept crying, sobbing, actually, shivering crying. I told her she had to stop crying because we all had to go to sleep and we could all hear her in the house. Then I had a thought of what Mary would see if she, in her little form, saw a face right over hers that was very mad at her when she was so upset. It didn't necessarily make me feel like being nice, but I didn't want Mary to have that memory.

So I am not sure how this happened next, but I chose to act nicer and more compassionate than I felt. I had felt that I NEEDED her to stop that noise! (After all that I had been through that day and it was late)

I started to tell her to talk to her blanket upstairs and say goodnight, that it needed to hear her voice. She smiled lightly through sobs. Then I made her new blanket talk to her in a weird voice, saying how excited it was to be "substituting" for her other blanket. Mary tried not to laugh, but was still sobbing, smiling here or there.

And I hugged her and kissed her and told her we would do anything to get her her blanket, but we couldn't. And then I left and she stopped crying.

But I honestly felt better. I had been so worked up, so stressed from little kids and having them so late in the day by myself that I thought I couldn't do any more. And then I had made Mary happy. When she laughed and I had been more gentle, I honestly felt my own heart lifted.

I learned a lesson again. Even though it's simple.

Helping others even when we feel bad actually can makes us feel better.

So Mary went to sleep and hopefully knows that Mommy loves her and wants to help her. And I went to sleep knowing I had chosen to show compassion even when I did not exactly feel like it and my own heart had been lightened.

So I am grateful. And I have a long ways to go, but it's always encouraging to know that you can keep improving and find happiness along the way.