April 16, 2011 - A post that I am sharing even if parts of it need to be "ironed out"

Self Worth and Laundry

            I have been wondering about my self-worth.  Can I find it when I put in another load of pee-infested inside-out pants?  Perhaps I can find it when I step on laundry that is in our already-crowded living room, or fold my way to one-hundred percent self worth.  Maybe those days where I fold until my fingers are tingling with warmness and lint, I will find it.

            Perhaps not though.  Maybe laundry isn’t the answer.  Maybe it doesn’t matter if all ten loads of laundry that are overdue are done, or if the stains have gotten out.  If I judged myself on the effectiveness of my stain-removal talent, I would fill the washer up with self-induced tears.  No water needed!  Just tears!

            No, I think not.  

            Perhaps laundry isn’t the answer to finding my self-worth.  Perhaps all this talk of folding, stains, lint, and piles of laundry waiting to be done, is not the way to find my self-worth.

            Oh, I know.  It’s not the laundry at all!  If my kids are well-behaved then I will have successful self-worth.  I’m onto it now, I think.

            But…what about the times Nathan and Mary poured liquid Gatorade onto my bed?  Or stole my whole pack of gum and chewed all the pieces in twenty minutes and then stuck their gum on the carpet?  Or what of the time we found ships and suns drawn on the wall, the floor, the bookcase, and even their play kitchen?  What about the time the kids decided to make “food bags” for everyone in the family and took all the plastic bags out of the drawer and stuffed boxes of Mac ‘n Cheese, oatmeal cookies, and cans of tomato sauce into each one?  What about the crumbled graham cracker all over the table?  Or the water found all over their room, on the floor, the beds, and their “play-kitchen” equipment?  I am not sure I am loving that either.  Self-worth on how my kids act at five and three years old?  Not a good idea either.  I would score on the low-scale on days like that.

            But what of the good times?  There are some, aren’t there?  Like when Nathan asks if we take a rocketship to heaven, or when Mary and Nathan make everyone’s beds in the house just to be nice.  There’s also the time when Nathan drew a picture for Jesus that said:  “I love Jesus” and told me when he sees Jesus next he’s giving it to him, and if that doesn’t work, he’s giving it to an angel to give to Him.  Or when Nathan tells me I’m nice because I give him a cookie.

            I am still not sure I have found it—how to measure my self-worth.  Sigh, this really isn’t easy, is it?

            I ask Nathan if he thinks Heavenly Father still loves me.  Nathan is 4.  I am on the couch sick with the twins pregnancy and wondering if I can get through the next few months.  I have been acting….like a cranky pregnant woman.  Nathan just kind of brushes my hair and smiles.  “Of course,”  he says.  “How do you know?”  I ask my four-year old.  “Because He always loves you,”  Nathan says.  Maybe he has something there.

            I think maybe my self-worth is indicative on how cute I am that day.  Those other women, their hair looks fantastic!  Where do they go to get it done?  If I have hair like that, clothes that in style, maybe I will be of more worth.  Maybe that is the key.  Do more shopping, spend more time buying and looking for clothes to fill up the time.  That can’t be how to judge self-worth even if looking nice is good.

            I watch Mary jumping on the leaves on her way back home from the mailbox.  “Mommy, jump on all the leaves!”  I don’t see her face anymore as the back of her strawberry-blond hair flies in the air as she jumps up and down.  I find myself smiling and jumping on some leaves too.  That wasn’t so hard.  And I feel happy.  Does that have something to do with any of this?  I am not sure at first. 

            I remember the story about the old frame that was found in the attic of someone’s home.  It was covered in dust, chipped in places, and worn.  People didn’t recognize anything significant about it.  Then someone dusted the worn outerware off of it.  Underneath was pure gold.  The point of the story was that the frame was always gold—even when it looked chipped and worn.  Underneath it was still gold.  That couldn’t change.

            And you know, when gold goes through heat, it still stays gold, it’s just softer, more pliable again.  Maybe the hard things don’t change our worth, maybe they just change us.

            We can be shaped all over again, into something better.  But the same worth.  Hmm.

            I start to think that self-worth isn’t dependant on how much we do, how much laundry we do.  Maybe that has nothing to do with it at all.  I think I am learning.  Getting laundry done is good.  Learning how to be better at all we do is good.  But it doesn’t change our self-worth.  When we have bad days with our kids, our self worth is still the same.  When we have good days with our kids, our self worth is still the same.  When we are happy, our self-worth is still the same.  Maybe it’s about learning to be happy.  Maybe there is nothing to “gaining” self worth at all.  We can’t gain that.  We already have it.  All we can do is learn how to use it, to help us to become happy.  That’s a whole other project to tackle—learning how to be happy in daily life and making life happy.  Maybe someday I will attack that one.  But not for now.  For now, it’s enough to know.

It’s good my self worth isn’t dependent on how good or how bad I iron that shirt, because frankly, I am not going to iron it at all.