One Friday Night

I can't quite understand this thing called life sometimes--only that I am meant to never fully get it until I'm done! Maybe not even then. I am surprised, I continue to learn, and I am pulled in directions that I would have never chosen for myself.

This season of my life I have been thinking a lot about love, renewal, and forgiveness. I have thought how we treat others, especially in regards to how we judge them. I have looked at myself and how I think of others. It's so easy to label those around us, to not let them change. It's so easy sometimes to hold a grudge for pretended offenses or to let ourselves be hurt over minor details. Or big details. I think of how if I had held a grudge on a friend or a family member how much I would miss....grudges and judging others don't accomplish anything. Of course we must judge sometimes in wisdom to have our families and children be safe. But often we don't even need to judge at all. I remember once when I heard something about an individual in our neighborhood a few years back (it's funny now, I can't remember WHO, or WHAT it was....only what Matthew said). I asked Matthew what I should think about this information that I had obtained about this person. Matthew made an interesting statement that I have thought about a lot since then. He said: "Do you need to make a judgment at all?" I realized that in this particular case, I DIDN'T need to judge this situation or person. I had no need to. It was a good lesson. We must make righteous judgments sometimes, but never final or absolute judgments about someone, lessening their ability to change. I can imagine how hard it would be to live somewhere where you were labeled as "lazy", "silly", "uncool," etc, etc. I can't even think of all those labels. When we don't judge others, but assume the best, we do them a favor.

This season of life is about renewal and joy. I have found more joy in motherhood and what is going on with my life. I have seen of God's mercy to me despite my weaknesses. And He continues to surprise me with this thing called life! Situations and experiences can change in an instant and things can get turned upside down, or rightside up! We never know what is coming. It makes me think of the song: "Improve the Shining Moments" in the Hymnbook where it says in jest: Improve the shining moments, don't let them pass you by. Work while the sun is shining, work while the night draws night....we can't ask the sunbeams to lengthen out their stay, or have the clouds ever stay away. (Part of this is not quoted exactly correctly, but the main idea is correct!)

I heard once from a talk my mom told me about from Michael Wilcox about how these people were struggling. (With what? I don't know. Maybe a storm or something...) And they waited for the Savior to come. He didn't come in the first watch. They waited for the second. He didn't come in the second watch. They didn't know how long they could hold on. He didn't come in the third. And usually he came by this point. He didn't even come in the fourth. But He came. Then Michael Wilcox said the reason the Savior didn't come until that point, that He had waited so long, was because they were "tight like unto a dish" and they were prepared, or had been prepared, in essence, for those trials. I have never read that talk. I don't know what it's called, but I remember listening to my mom talk about it and having felt it take an impression upon me. (I usually like to tell you what talk I am referring to...forgive me for not knowing this right now.)

I am happy. I feel the struggles of life like everyone does. I am sometimes lonely. I wish I knew people better where I lived (my health has not helped that). Even now, I am getting big and pregnant so fast it still continues to be difficult to get out a lot still, but I have been blessed immensely. I feel good. I have some terrific friends from a distance and wonderful sisters and a sister-in-law that I live by that bless my life abundantly. They make me laugh. They give me companionship. They serve me. They let me serve them. My kids try my patience and they are the best kids in the world! Here's a conversation I had with Nathan the other day.

Me: I have the cutest kids in the whole world.

Nathan: I know.

Me: (Wondering if maybe I should teach them it a little bit differently) But I bet the other kids' moms think their kids are the cutest too.

Nathan: But they're wrong, huh Mom?

Me: Well, I think I have the cutest kids in the world, no matter what they think!

Nathan liked that enough. And I was trying to teach him his tremendous worth while at the same time teaching him others' worth too.

I love my husband. We are very alike and more alike than different, but we aren't exactly the same (which is true for every person, you know what I'm saying!). I feel blessed everyday to have him as my husband. He loves me and makes me laugh and serves me everyday. He is a very pleasant person to be around and I can hang out with him for hours and hours and...forever. I can't do that with just anybody! A few years ago when I was struggling with health, I remember an experience with Matthew. This experience is very special to me, but I would like to share it. I was ill one night. I was struggling with stomach, diarrhea, weakness, intolerance to foods, blah, etc. I was sick enough this night that I had to go to bed earlier than I normally would. I wasn't even well enough to watch T.V. I went to my room. I was frustrated because I had been this sick for a few nights in a row. I laid on the bed and with some frustration threw one of the pillows off of the bed because it wasn't comfortable. Matthew walked in right then. For a second, I was embarrassed and wondered if Matthew would say anything to me, but he didn't say anything to me, just came onto the other side of the bed, laid next to me, and started tickling my back (He knows I like that). I had been feeling that week a little frustrated with how Matthew and I do things differently. He takes his time more and even though things do get done, I get stressed if it's too close to the last minute. At this moment, when he was tickling my back, I had an impression of how my Heavenly Father viewed and felt about my husband. I had specific words dictated to me that said: He may not be those things, but he is Christlike, and that is much more important.
I felt immediately humbled. I felt the meaning of those words and saw my husband as Christ saw him. Into my mind flooded memories of the last four years and the hours he had stayed up every night rubbing my legs because I was too uncomfortable to sleep, of the nighttime trips to the store just for my comfort or for my needs, and of how he had unselfishly helped every day with the kids, chores, dinner, shopping, etc. Everyday. I realized the most important things that day, again even though I knew them. It's nice to be on time, to be efficient, to be successful in all you do. But the most important thing is to be Christlike. And luckily, Matthew has talents all around. He is a special man.

I feel gratitude to the Lord for his mercy upon me. I realize how much I don't deserve of his blessings, blessings He has given me for whatever reason. I know that doesn't exclude me from trials, but He is still merciful to my circumstances. I love Him and the Savior so much. I know they will be with me no matter what happens in the future.

I feel a little sentimental tonight so that is why I wrote all this. In addition, the boys are out camping for fathers and sons and Mary and I are just hanging out together. We painted nails, had a dinner from a local seasonal food place, ate cake, and are now watching shows that Mary picked out. The babes are kicking and if you look at my belly you can see it moving. Well, that's all. Goodnight.